I can't believe it's gone by so fast. I can't believe you are already so big, smiling - even laughing at rare intervals. You were so tiny the day you were born. Just like your brother - although you had him by 5 ounces. I had the same feeling as though I was going to break some part of your fragile, sweet, little body. The 4days, 3 nights in the hospital were so much easier than last time. I was up and walking around at 1am the same night I had you. I ripped out the epidural with my drugs sometime that night too - accidently of course. They told me the next morning. I tried not to take the pain meds - although I had to take a few but I hate the hardcore stuff - it makes me feel to in the clouds, so I opt for the Motrin. It works for the most part.
Four days pass - mostly me in the uncomfortable bed waiting for the time when I can call down and order my breakfast/lunch/dinner. Not that the food even tasted good but it was something to do other than staring at the TV. Your dad, Malik, and Yacouba are there on Friday afternoon. Daddy stays at the hospital with us that first night. Then they come on Saturday. Daddy and Yacouba leave for a little while in the evening to go home and cook rice and sauce and bring it back for me. The nurse comes in and scolds me for having Malik there without another adult. I guess in a way she is right b/c what if something did happen to me, who would watch him, but really what is going to happen at this point? I feel ashamed and stupid and of course I blame Djibril, even though it didn't occur to me to not let Malik stay with us. Debbi is our first friend to come and visit. Sarah comes to visit on Sunday afternoon. I watch the Ravens / Steelers game on the hospital screen on Sunday evening. Baltimore loses and the game is really boring, nonetheless I watch until the end. Finally Monday comes, it is snowing, the man with the wheelchair comes in and tells me to hop aboard. I would really prefer to just walk out. The wheelchair seems ridiculous and unnecessary. He says I have to. I find this to be a strange policy. Why do I have to? I can say I don't want drugs, and I can pretty much dictate my medical care while I am in the hospital, but I have no right to not ride out as an invalid. WTF? The man is annoying and doesn't have any personality. He does not make small talk, even though I try - and I suck at small talk. It's made even worse b/c the elevator is broken so we wait for 5 minutes for the broken elevator then realize we have to take the regular elevator - which takes another 15 minutes b/c everyone else is taking the elevator and I'm on the 2nd floor so any patient on any of the floors above me are already in the elevator and of course me and the gigantic wheel chair do not fit unless the elevator is basically empty. Again - all of this awkwardness could have been avoided had I just been able to walk. By the time I get out to the car I'm so happy to be going home.
We get back home and I fall into my Ikea couch, which is not all that comfortable on any normal day but feels fabulous. It's the day before the Inauguration of Barack Obama. I fall asleep that night happy to be home, happy that you are healthy and perfect, happy that we stand on the eve of what feels like an new era - so much hope and possibility.
Mimi comes to visit a few weeks later and the days are filled with lunches, dinners, cleaning, and watching TV. You are still tiny. We go and visit my friends at work and we go and visit Malik's class at school. Malik uses you and his Mimi as his show and tell.
After Mimi left you were sick for about a week. I held you 24 hours a day b/c if I put you down you would spit up throw up anything you had eaten. We slept on the couch sitting up b/c you couldn't lay flat b/c you couldn't breathe. We stayed inside b/c I felt guilty for taking you out so much the week before and tell myself that is why you are sick now.
Then suddenly you are not sick anymore. You are sleeping in our bed in the middle of Daddy and me, you refuse to sleep anywhere else at night time. Again, why did I buy a crib? You will be sleeping in the crib at some point in the future. I swear. You must.
You start smiling around 6 weeks old, but really they are just random smiles and may just be from gas. You actually start really smiling around 8 weeks old. It's nice that you can react back to me instead of giving me that blank stare. Now we are old pro's at going out to the store, taking Malik to school, going to the YMCA for Malik's swimming lessons, going out to restaurants. You've been bowling 3 times already - well to the bowling alley at least. Your better at tummy time than Malik was and you try to push yourself up and crawl already. You are about 12 lbs now. You have a broad upper body and resemble a football player. You have a big head too. You are a fatty - a phat baby - a cute baby. I bite your cheeks b/c they are so soft and squishy. I hug you and kiss you because you are so beautiful.
I can't believe I have a daughter. I never ever imagined myself being a mother to a daughter - but I am and it feels so natural and it feels like it is going to be OK. I'm dreading having to go back to work in 2 weeks. Our last hurrah will be a trip to Boston for 10 days to see all your Aunts, Uncles, cousins, etc... I must be insane to drive 8 hours in a car with you and Malik. I know Malik handles long car rides well but I have no idea about you. You are still small though and really can't do anything about it. You can cry but I hope you won't too much.
Boston will be fun. This trip will be really memorable - I am going to meet my biological Dad for the first and possibly only time. We will have Easter at Mimi and Papa's (your first Easter). I hope that I will be a good parent to you and Malik - it scares me to know the biological / genetic mess that I am a product of and pray every day that I will never breakdown into the pile of poo that my parents seem to have been. I don't know how but somehow I have become a person that I like, a responsible person, a person that knows how to love despite it all. I hope that the one thing I can teach you is how to love and how to love yourself. If you have love, you have everything.
I love you.
